148. Two cannonballs got married this morning. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life, 15. Just remember the order and everything will be fine. Take advantage of that as much as you can. You are posting comments too quickly. 21. It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off.. but it amounts to the same thing pretty much. 69. 74. It’s not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. 14. “A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance, and tenacity. So make sure to find someone who’s willing to be annoyed by you and who can annoy you too, it’s a win-win. 157. I miss him! 7. From marriage jokes to share with a groom on his wedding day to hilariously true sayings about matrimony all women will understand to the perfect marriage jokes for a wedding speech or toast, this list of funny marriage jokes has it all. 51. 57. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. I love being married. My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?”, Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”, 54. 88. 114. The largest collection of wedding one-line jokes in the world. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness. Funny Marriage Anniversary Quotes. This could be one of those wedding quotes you don’t know whether it’s a warning or just a cynical comment – but any will do. Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance of our User Agreement, Privacy Policy, Cookie Notification, and awareness of the California Privacy Rights. 60. “Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”. 118. 142. Slow down. Because she was glowing. 188. 80. 179. That was a messy one! Since they are made from real human interactions, perhaps they hold bearing to help you realize what is in it for you. Printable quarantine wedding postponement cards available for instant download from Etsy seller The Wild Petrova. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. What makes a good wife? When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks…. 133. One who helps her husband with the washing up! However, that really is not true. “Marriage is like a video game. 184. Celebrity interviews, recipes and health tips delivered to your inbox. Both are mistaken. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows—she said “What’s all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?”. There was an error in your submission. They were perfectly suited for each other. 150. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Those who finish what they start…” (walks off). I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. 8. (Giving a wedding speech) “There are two kinds of people in this world. 6. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned! 122. 178. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. One of the most important things during this beautiful day the humor and laughter that comes along with marriage and engagement. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night. 72. She said, “All kids smell that way.”. Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. conditions of our, Your use of this website constitutes and manifests your acceptance My wife say I’m too competitive. Related: 250 Deep Questions to Ask a Guy or Girl. When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. 1. 32. 63. To the bride and groom! I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B. Here are some great wedding jokes and stories you can use as funny wedding toast quotes. “By all means marry; if you get a good wife/husband, you’ll be happy. See TOP 10 wedding one liners. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn’t find out. “Heavens no,” he replied. That could be too much, but why not – men will really get teary, either because they’re so happy or that they’re gonna get tied. Tell him sex starts at 6 P.M. sharp—whether he’s there or not. Remember, this is the happiest day of your life! Copyright law, as well as other applicable federal and state laws, the content on this website may not be reproduced, distributed, displayed, transmitted, cached, or otherwise used, without the prior, express, and written permission of Athlon Media Group. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re‐assure you that you’re not missing out on anything. 11. 78. She still isn’t talking to me. “Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?” —Monica Hesse. He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse! After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”. 140. When your wife/husband gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her/him a lot more upset. You can choose between 100 funny wedding vows for him, for her, or unisex wedding vows. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked, “Are you the groom? 171. A wedding and a marriage is a legally recognized union which can lead to many funny situations. I walked up the aisle and said ‘I do’. Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again. 33. 42. On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN—or as the groom thought he heard: “I’ll alter him!”. 105. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later. The groom was not a pretty baby—his mother got morning sickness after he was born. 2) When you think you’re right, remind yourself of rule #1. A Diamond Ring A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. 82. 44. 161. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that, ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes.”. Time to Celebrate! She meant goals. 84. He said, “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, “Coffee and turn up the AC.”. It has been a very emotional day…as some of you must have noticed, even the cake is in tiers. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest… I cannot express how much I would miss you. It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. Sadly, bigamy is against the law. There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. “People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. I’m not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no. Uh-oh! And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped. 17. 94. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”. 191. I’m here to talk about (Groom). “Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.” — Bill Cosby. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. 165. 12. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! 22. 91. 97. Don’t get it so wrong. 131. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. If you still want more, you can check through more romantic quotes and love quotes here in good morning quotes. We all know that (insert brides name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day. There are three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly the catering. The groom is a very talented man. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates. Marriage isn’t for everybody—men for instance! 48. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”. with some funny wedding anniversary quotes, they can make their those beautiful funny moment reminds for one more time. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. Whether it is your best friend, brother, sister or colleague, congratulate them by writing a humorous quote on a greeting card. 137. A couple are driving home from their engagement photoshoot and are killed in a car accident. 103. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack! 46. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (speaker’s name), and I am the best man. Just in case you’re not the one getting married and you just wish to send a greeting to a friend nearing the day of her ‘I do’, feel free to stick a note from these hilarious wedding quotes. In advance, hand out keys to 10-15 women (including the groom’s grandma!) She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. 2. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring. You seem to be logged out. I’m pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting…[pause] … you all to have a good time tonight! Women, especially brides, have that preconceived notion that they should and must be the prettiest on their wedding day – that’s a given. Updated June 14, 2019 3.4k votes 494 voters 29.7k views25 items. 'Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing? 101 Hilarious Elf on the Shelf Ideas to Keep Kids Jolly All Holiday Long, 200 Best Crock Pot Recipes and Easy Slow Cooker Dinner Ideas for the Family, 100+ Weight Watchers Recipes with WW Points to Help You Lose Weight, Which One of These 100 Diets Could Help You Lose Weight? A couple were married for 67 years. Do not sell my personal information. 141. They married for better or for worse. My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after ever divorce she gets to keep the house. 200. 170. For example, do not use this wedding joke or wedding jokes like it: A man meets a genie. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. 160. 101. 156. A husband asked his wife, “What would you do if we won the lottery?” To which she replied, “I’d divorce you and take my half.”. 195. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony,” said the minister. Because he found his honey. of our, Mouthwatering recipes, handy kitchen tips, and more delivered to your inbox, 'Till Death Do Us Part! Funny Wedding Jokes. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. This is just the end of the funniest engagement and wedding quotes. 62. What’s the difference between love and marriage? Well, (groom’s name), you can be sure that’s the very last time you will see her sweep! My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.Why are husbands like lawn mowers? And, What’s the last thing you’ll say to you wife before going to sleep? (This one is interactive.) Unlimited spades and clubs. I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. These 101 Best Fitness and Workout Quotes Will Keep You Motivated, 150 of the Best Holly Jolly Christmas Jokes Guaranteed to Spread Holiday Cheer, Better Not Cry, Better Not Pout! Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”. From finding the perfect engagement ring to the wedding afterparty, there is a lot to look forward to when planning and preparing that perfect day. 4. My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me. 162. Marriage is like a bar of soap. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors. Too bad the Groom married her before she found one. I don’t like to interrupt her. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:So where do I start with (Groom’s name) ? Need I say more. 81. 186. READ MORE: These Are All The Best Man Duties You Need to Know About. They’re hard to get started, emit foul odours and don’t work half the time! Our hand-picked list of hilarious jokes is guaranteed to make anyone laugh. Did you hear about the two cellphones that got married? 13. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife. Take ideas from this post to make the most of this once in a lifetime moment. Congratulating the newly married couple by sending some funny wedding messages will be a way to make fun. I take that as a compliment. “Excuse me, sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. Absolutely hillarious marriage one-liners! My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. 135. Often, we can see a lot of videos online documenting engagements and weddings. Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes. We can say that this is a warning or a heads-up to what’s waiting for women, could be men, after the wedding. I heard the reception was perfect. Can You Solve This Coin Probability Problem? 50 Genuinely Funny Jokes to make you laugh Last Updated: 8th July 2020. Arguing with your wife/husband is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. Sorry…. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. Why? So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” 95. “If I could just say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker!”. The funny wedding quotes are actually sweet in essence, that it guides you to your path of engagements and weddings. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, “Darling, I don’t want people to realize we are newlyweds. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. 181. Girlfriend: “Honey, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?”. 52. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible. I heard they are already expecting BBs…. She said yes. Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some countries, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”, Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”. 79. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (Name) and for those of you that do … well I apologize. So I pushed her over. And while these light-hearted quips and jokes about marriage might make fun of your marital status, they’re only meant to be playful—while making light of how challenging married life can be at times. 176. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit! Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”, 197. Live each day as if it were your last—and each night as if it were your first! So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom) thank‐you very much for the teaspoons. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March. What Is Día de Los Reyes (Three Kings' Day)? Please check your email to confirm your subscription. 158. Someday my prints will come! Things are tough all over, so even if you can't afford them… at the very least, you can borrow these wording ideas for your own Coronavirus wedding … Create your own unique greeting on a Funny Engagement card from Zazzle. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. Keep this in your notes… and mental reminder in your head. 170 LOL-Worthy Wedding Jokes About Marriage Compiled by the Editors of RD.com Updated: Nov. 08, 2019 Whether you’re the best man, maid of honour, or master of ceremonies, it never hurts to kick off your wedding speech with a knee-slapper. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months…. Refresh your page, login and try again. Please try again. 37. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Didn’t she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle. My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9. Wish them onward madness and craziness together. My wife and I always compromise. 5. 41. “Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Your account was created. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo. Always. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. A Few of the Dumbest Quotes from Powerful People in 2020, Quotes from 2020’s First-Elected Women and Minorities in the United States, Quotes from Queen Elizabeth Stretching Back 73 Remarkable Years, Remembering Pop Star We Miss: George Michael, Prince, Little Richard, Common Sayings and Expressions from Mexico, The Eternal Leader of the Resistance, Carrie Fisher Quotes, A Thank You to the United States Postal Service and Mail Carriers, The Wisdom of Supermodel of the World – RuPaul, Quotes About the Origins of Halloween: The Samhain Festival, Prince Harry: His Awakening and New Outspoken Voice. Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke. 163. Whether you’re giving the groom a full roasting or you just want some good one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up our favourite 33 best man speech jokes. Ad Choices. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour. - Jack Benny Husbands are like fires, they go out when unattended. Since that's way easier said than done, we've rounded up the best jokes about marriage from around the internet. 64. Never let him date a member of your family. Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. Newly-webs. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”. 183. 112. Wrong speech! Below you will find our collection of inspirational, wise, and humorous old funny engagement quotes, funny engagement sayings, and funny engagement proverbs, collected over the years from a variety of sources. Sometimes, you just have to get past the humor of this one for it makes sense. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. 28. The 26 Best Online Games to Play With Friends While Social Distancing, Gone, But Not Forgotten: Remembering the Celebrities We Lost in 2020. The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR. Anyway that’s enough about me. said the groom's uncle. 3. They’ve been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus. Before I finish, I would like (Bride and Groom names) to look at eachother in the eyes. Do not be offensive to the bride and the groom or to the parents and in-laws. Leading up to today the Bride and Groom were having an issue with the seating plan. No matter how we see it, grooms-to-be should really have this engraved onto their wallets – just a reminder. Celeb interviews, recipes, wellness tips and horoscopes delivered to your inbox daily. ''Yes,' replied Bill. 151. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. Aside from the customer, the wife is always right. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. “Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? Actually, it is no secret at all. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! 149. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?”“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”. 30. Right, but I didn’t know her first name was “Always”. Tips. I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime which includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. They simply lack the time to come up with the words to express all that they have in mind. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today. Ten Clean, Funny Jokes For The MC To Tell At A Wedding Follow the Priest After the blessing the priest said to the newly married couple, 'follow me up to the altar'. It looks as though you’ve already said that. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the party weekend in Vegas. There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”, 134. I don’t even know her.”. 26. We’re not creeping you out, we are just stating that there are consequences to choices that you have to face – with a happy smile on your cheeks – like marriage which happens after engagement and wedding. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. Jack Napier. Sorry, comments are currently closed. Well for starters he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. 98. – W. C. Fields. 61. Think of her tastes, hobbies, mannerisms, music, food and more. 126. Absolutely hillarious wedding one-liners! Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. 39. They have not hardened facts but merely wedding quotes… remember though, that being mere wedding quotes, that they are not of value. My wife’s not too smart. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 173. 28 Classic Dishes for a True Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve. Funny, intelligent, kind, and good-looking. Engagement and marriage are two things that could be understood as the same. We’re gonna miss you, buddy! Love could be twisted sometimes so you be careful – always – you never know when this becomes a knot. I told her I already knew that. Firstly, I would like to say that (insert groom’s name), I’m sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert bride’s name) hand in marriage. Empty comment. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. Whoops! Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. I’ve know him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding. Here’s What To Do About It, According to Your Enneagram Personality Type, Don’t Sweat It! Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!" 187. And How Do You Celebrate It? Slow down. 155. 193. 77. This could mean double – either good or bad, up to you to interpret it. 67. For those of you without the internet, I’ll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she’s secretly using under the table as I speak. 99. 25. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” — Henny Youngman. More Wedding Funnies - Clean Jokes For a Wedding Day 'Hello, Bill,' exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a while. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is. Why don’t you do that?”, Husband: “How can I? Check out the top 100 wedding jokes and marriage jokes. Man is incomplete until he is married. 143. Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. How to Write Funny Wedding Vows. So let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? They've been going together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it! I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. All sorted from the best by our visitors. 139. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. 182. 159. We create not to sell but to motivate our fast-growing community in our own simple and subtle way. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes. Because an open casket ceremony costs more. Stay away from mother-in-law jokes. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.”— Jay Gallagher. 132. 93. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”. Well, I’m not sure who would rally against this but why bother, women should really do the shopping – no buts, no ifs. 250 Questions To Ask A Guy250 Truth or Dare Questions250 Would You Rather Questions250 Conversation-Starters. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. So whether you’re looking for clean marriage jokes or the best marriage jokes to share during a wedding speech, or want to include a few jokes about marriage in your wife’s anniversary card, these 200 funny marriage jokes, quotes and silly sayings poke fun at one of life’s greatest adventures: marriage. “. 136. - Nora Ephron My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. 144. “You enter the church and walk up the AISLE. 192. To get to the other bride. Marriage can be tough. When the priest reached the inner sanctum he turned around, and was amazed to see the bride and groom crawling to the altar on their knees. How sweet are they? 174. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions! We've Got Tons of Info to Help You Decide. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: “Yes, dear.”. My daughter definitely gets all of those traits from me! 154. The funny quotes and speeches, embarrassing quotes from best friends and family, crazy pictures from the old days when you just met and hilarious father daughter dances during the after party.